Thursday, December 23, 2010

Mighty Jill Off

So the other day one of my bros sent me this game, which to my understanding appears to be a BDSM-inspired indie platformer.

Let this image set the precedent for the entirety of this gaming experience.

Mighty Jill Off, the story of a chubby dyke in full bondage regalia, is probably the weirdest game of its type that I've played since "I Wanna Be The Guy". The object as you play the titular Jill, defender of an unnamed medieval watchtower is to well, jump over obstacles at the Queen's behest. From what I gather the Queen is some sort of sadist who enjoys sending her minions to the depths of an 8-bit dungeon and if they survive are rewarded with the privilege of licking her boots. S&M. Weird shit.

These bastards will fuck you up in more ways than Dirty Harry could with an ear in his eye and his duodenum being ravaged by that Scorpio asshole.
Now I'm honestly not the greatest fan of 8-bit indie releases, but if a game can give me quick, simple entertainment with catchy music to boot I generally have a very hard time complaining about it. There's no ulterior developer agenda, no constant nagging for donations, just a game about jumping written by a group of people who probably used to work as porn store cashiers and got kicked out for being pricks and popping the inflatable love dolls. Now that I've hopefully conveyed to you what exactly you are going to be doing with your spare time for the next 10 minutes or so the game mechanics and the actual download for the game itself may be found here. I noticed my CPU time shot up considerably while playing it but unless you're on some laptop from 2004 with cooling fan ball bearings that sound like a million dying insects you should be fine. If nothing else, it certainly made me forget about the odd pain in my nuts I've had since Tuesday.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Dream #1

Hey guys, it's me again. I haven't updated for the past three days which is totally unacceptable, I know. To make up for this I have an extremely tl;dr post that I'm sure only the most ardent concentrators will be able to soldier through.

The opening sequences of the dream manifests itself with me walking down a somewhat busy 4-lane street at sunset near the coast. I was apparently on some appointment to meet a girl of Taiwanese origin that I have never met but I have a feeling that I know her from somewhere in the real world. To hasten my arrival, I jumped into a blue unoccupied car and drove towards the beach, where the meeting was scheduled to take place. On my arrival there, she was standing facing the horizon, and upon noticing me gave me a battered videotape. All she said was: "View the contents of this tape. It will show you everything." The sequence then fades to black.

  A brief moment later, the dream resumes abruptly with what appears to be the videotape playback, but it takes up my entire field of vision and hearing. Think watching Cloverfield while wearing a virtual reality helmet. The tape seems to have been recorded during the Persian Gulf War, inside an Iraqi MiG. The watermark in the bottom right corner contains a number of Cyrillic words, and a single "1991". The camera seems to have been affixed to the pilot's helmet while recording, and his labored breathing can be heard. The film takes place at sunset over the ocean during a dogfight with Coalition Harrier jets and F-22 prototypes. The weapon that the MiG is using appears to be some sort of lightning gun straight out of Quake or something. The aircraft involved in the dogfight seem to be moving unnervingly slow, as if the Harriers are in VTOL mode and the F-22s are as well, somehow. The pilot of the MiG seems to be an air combat veteran, as he takes down plane after plane. When each plane is hit, it falls to the sea with a generic jet engine noise, and the inhuman screams of the pilots can be heard moments before they plunge into the water. This continues for some time until a Coalition aircraft carrier can be seen just above the lower threshhold of my line of sight, until the pilot drops some large green orb from his aircraft. Upon hitting the carrier, there is a large green explosion and the ship slowly fades away, as if teleporting. It is instantly after this that something begins flashing on the aircraft HUD, and an audible alarm can be heard. The pilot enters a steep bank and everything fades to black again. Either the videotape ended, the pilot blacked out, I blacked out, or a combination of these.

  When I come to, I notice I'm on the floor of a very cold hospital ward. When my vision restores itself, I slowly come to my feet and notice two women on an operating table receiving an ultrasound from a strange machine. At that moment, the power goes out and this ominous circus music begins playing. I stand still for a while, unsure of what to do, as fire alarms begin to flicker and beep gently on the ceiling above me. Then I notice a dim light on a wall far ahead of me, and slowly notice it is a large array of horizontally placed rectangular windows. The light from it slowly becomes brighter, and then what appears to be mist on the other side of the windows appears to clear. I start to realize what I am seeing is cloud cover, and I am either on an airship or in an extremely tall skyscraper. Once the cloud cover clears entirely, I see a full moon gently illuminating a starless sky with a heavy cover of purple-blue clouds just below the bottom of the windows. A door ahead of me to my right opens, and a crippled silhouette appears in the doorway and rasps, "This way." I follow him with apprehension, using the light from the moon and the open door to navigate my way around the hospital ward littered with tools and garbage. I assume the two women are either dead, unconscious, or not present at all.

  I follow the man to a musty, cold office room of extremely small, Japanese proportions. He appears to be some sort of cross between Bill Gates and Stephen Hawking, and has a shuffling gait. He asks me to sit down at a desk, and upon my doing so, passes me a binder filled with papers that appears to be an employment roster. "This requires your immediate attention.", he tells me. I begin to examine the document, and notice it belongs to the comic book store that is in the mall in the real world. I notice names written in a surname first format, in all caps in a sort of typewriter font. What struck me as odd was the inclusion of a text field to the right of each name labeled "RACE". This contained words like "MESOAMERICAN", "UN-HUMAN" and stuff you'd normally never see on a racial background check. I looked for the business owner, the father of the girl, C., who works at the very same store, and noticed his name was labelled "SPARTAN". The very same man then bursts through a side office door, shouting something like "ATHENIAN SCUM! YOU SHALL TASTE THE BLOOD OF YOUR FOREFATHERS AS IT IS PURGED FROM YOUR BODY!" He then proceeded to chase me out of the office, and I ran through the exit door like something out of Mirror's Edge. I inspected my surroundings, and I was outside my friend B.'s house in the middle of the night. All the lampposts seemed to be on, and everything save my presence there appeared to be normal. I involuntarily checked my back pocket, and realized my wallet was missing. I poked around in the cold, dew covered grass until happening upon it somewhere in the swale. No one in B.'s house appeared to notice my presence in the front yard, as all the lights in the house were off.

  I began to walk towards my grandfather's house, stopping to pick up a strange object left on the side of the road that appeared to be some sort of model replica of a metal office desk. Picture two hollow metal squares containing drawers, with a metal plank welded across the top. Somehow I worked out that this would make for a decent boom-box, and I placed it on my head with the two squares at each ear, and put one earphone in each square drawer. The acoustics seemed to work quite well; I doubt this works anywhere else but in dreams. The music playing sounded like some Wu-Tang Clan/Faith No More remix. I noticed nothing strange walking to my grandfather's house, save some large areas of ground that had been either excavated or blasted with explosives. When I finally opened the door to my grandfather's house, it instantly became daytime. I approached him as he stood by the telephone, and he asked me if I had a parcel arriving from Hong Kong. I told him this was true, not knowing why he was asking me, much less how he knew of it in the first place. He replied "Excellent. Now the downfall of all that is orderly in this world shall commence." The dream then fades to static, and I awaken.

I actually do have a parcel en route from Hong Kong at the time of this writing.

Friday, December 17, 2010

26 things your girl will love

1. when she asks how she looks, shrug and say “could be better” this will keep her on her toes. and girls love that.

2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping. if she is say “you better be” , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this will show her you care.

5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and every girl needs some improvement.

6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then when she’s sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. because jewelry is for pussies and asian ladies.

7. if you’re talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words @..%$ you and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. tell her you’re taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she thinks it’s going to be really special. then take her to a burning tire yard. when she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you’re really going to take her to dinner. then drive her home. when she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear “…because i can.”

9. introduce her to your friends as “some chick”. women love those special nicknames.

10. play with her hair. play with it HARD.

11. warm her up when shes cold…and not by giving her your jacket… then you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say “if you don’t stop bitching about the cold right now you’re going to be bitching about a black eye.” the best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet. kick the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn’t girls?

14. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she’s fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. if you care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her self confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she’ll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say no shes not hungry. make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. give her one of your t-shirts……and make sure it has your smell on it. but not a sexy cologne smell. a bad smell. you know what i’m talking about.

21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. Shell say no its just the rain ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying you @..%$ baby. Girls like a tough man as i’ve already stated.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. if you’re listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. this way she’ll think you’re mysterious.

24. remember her birthday but don’t get her something. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. when she gives you a present on your birthday, christmas, or just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. then next time you know she’s coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. girls actually don’t like this one that much but i think it’s funny.

26. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call youre going to tell her a special surprise. Now shell be really excited. Now dont call.

Take note, betas.

Mushroom recipe

I enjoy cooking with mushrooms. Here is a recipe I came across the other day.

6 tablespoons olive oil
1/4 cup tablespoons red wine vinegar
1 teaspoon black pepper
2 teaspoons salt
2 medium cloves garlic, minced
1 red bell pepper, finely chopped
1 1/2 teaspoons dried basil
4 to 6 green onions, thinly sliced
2 cans or jars (16 ounces total) whole mushrooms, drained

Directions for marinated mushrooms
Whisk together olive oil, red wine vinegar, pepper, salt, and garlic. Stir in chopped bell pepper and basil. Add sliced green onions and drained mushrooms. Let mushrooms marinate in refrigerator for at least 6 hours before serving. Marinated mushrooms recipe serves 4 to 6.

They're coming

In less then 6 months a whole bunch of ships is going to labnd on earth from Alpha-Z or maybe some other planet, populated by greys/Saurians. Reptilian, some nords (lots of them) and odd Martian or two (very odd) are all part of one conspiracy. Jihad seems to be the hand of the whole plot, they are going to weaken us emotionally and spiritually and prepare for beign enslaved by aliens.

Most of the grey aliens are goign to disguise themselves as humans, except when feeding, and pose as Christians, priests and teachers. They already have worked out a very complicated and detailed plan, it is scary how vcarefully orchestrated and rehearsed the whole thign is.

The scary thign is they are gonna be here in less than 6 months, and no one on earth knows about it or believes that it is gonna happen (this+ slavery, degradation, being killed and devoured the way abducted cows are, being cruelly tortured - greys are incredibly sadistic). And the space lizards are counting on us not knowing about them, not talking between each another about them, and being nice and obedient to them when they arrive. That's why I think we should global terrorist-attack idicator to code orange or code red and talk about it, and maybe petition US government to destroy all alien labs on Earth and in US, and end contracts which allow greys to visit earth and occasionally collect experimental material.

there's a text on, under ufo, forward slash "conspire.htm"

Please don't just sleep, do something!